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| OK, so the last entry I had started off saying how I hadnt had internet for a while, and now that I was back I was going to be blogging....well, in case you hadnt noticed, I LIED. I havent done a xanga entry since november, which is a pretty long time (since it is now march...). So, in an effort to remedy this, I have this entry which is solely dedicated to apologizing to all my would-be stalkers. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'll try to not tell any more lies to the people who read this. You're a small clientele (ahem, I mean elite), but the only clientele I've got.
What have I been up to? Not much. I've realized where I've gotten to thus far is not where I want to be, and I don't see much of a stepping stone to there from here. I may need to do some hopping around. Like following a white rabbit, speeding away down the rabbit hole - clearly he must know something I don't to be running the way he is. I certainly understand the feeling that he is late, late for a very important date. So whats next for me: do I drink this vial and plunge into a world of mystery and delusion, not unlike an LSD trip gone too far (or so they tell me :) ? Or do I have a cookie and drop out of what has already become a harangued life, followed by mad Queens and madder hatters, hopefully into the very real world of life after delusion and disillusionment...? Hard to say which it is going to be.
Lets not take that analogy too far either. I am NOT a little blonde girl. But it does kind of describe where I've come to be. I'm tired and I miss people. Anyone want to hang out Sun-Tues (yes, thats when I'm available unless you drive up for dinner or something - which, considering the area, I might advise against...)? | | |
| BACK ONLINEWhew. For about a month there, I had no internet at home.
Talk about sad and boring. But i guess its probably just as sad
and boring that I am so internet needy. This also means I'll be writing more Xanga entries.
Well, whats up with me? I have officially moved, as of this past
Monday. I now reside in Murrieta, just north of Temecula.
Im still not sure what there is up here, which means, more xanga
entries. I have also started my new job at Guidant Corporation as
an engineer. I work a crazy schedule, Wed-Sat 3pm -2 am.
Yeah, crazy. But I get 3 days of weekend. So if i dont
answer your calls, or if I dont answer your IMs youll know why.
The great thing about moving is I get to start over. I'm in a new
town. New people. New room. New bathroom (i love my
bathroom, and especially my shower head - its like a massage).
And I am eternally grateful that God is always willing to let us start
over.
My prayer request in this time is to be a God-empowered witness to my
co-workers, to be prayerful, diligent in my studies of Him, and living
in His Love and Grace (not that I really know what that means, but
then, does anyone? I mean, really know?)
For now, thats it. More will come soon enough.
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| THROUGH THE SHOPPING WINDOW
I saw an interesting thing once. Let me tell you about it. A boy
stood smiling as he looked through the shopping glass window of a
local store. On the other side was one of the more fabulous toys
of his time, a red remote controlled car, painted the brightest and
most brilliant red he had ever seen. The boy had always wanted
this awesome car, purported to be the fastest ever made. For a
long time, the boy stood outside the window, waiting, watching,
imagining what he and that bright red car might do if it were one day
his. And every now and again, he would wistfully place his hand
on the glass that separated them, desperately trying to reach the
bright red car. As his hand came to touch the glass, he would
glance over his shoulder at whom I can only presume was his
father. His father was a middle aged man who, so it seemed to me,
had an air of surpassing wisdom and a face that at once embodied both
mercy and justice -the kind of face that one would expect friendly
grandparents to have when they are instructing us in the ways of the
world. The father was also carrying what would be considered by
almost any standard, a gigantic present of some sort, carefully wrapped
with a huge ribbon. But the boy seemed somehow not to see this
present.
The boy's father, as his hand came to touch the glass, would say in a
quiet rumble "That's not for you." The father's voice was so
quiet, that he could quite easily be ignored if the boy so chose, and I
had to strain my ears to barely make it out. But the boy heard
and nodded, his hand fell to his side, even as he glanced again at the
bright red car. The boy then looked away, although his eye caught
something else in the window of the toy store.
Why the story? Well, it seems to me, that so very often we are
precisely like the boy. We see the things in this world, which
purport to be of some magnificence, and we desire them. Perhaps
it is to have the highest GPA. Or the biggest paycheck. Or
the pleasure from sex or drugs. Perhaps it is the pride of not
succumbing to sex or drugs. The things which allure us are so
many in this world. And some of those things are not even wrong
to desire (like a wife, or a husband, or perhaps a better car with the
money we have worked so hard for?). It is when we are not
focusing our eyes on the Father that we fall into this ages old
pitfall. The Father carries a present for us that far surpasses
what we could ever see in any toy store. And He has already given
us the Present that far surpasses all other presents, which
demonstrates the depth of His love for us. Why do we not turn to
Him first, and ask? And when He says "no," why do our eyes
fall upon the next closest thing that we can justify desiring?
The shopping window of the world has become almost exactly like the
looking glass - fantastic, but ultimately fleeting.
Lets change our perspective. As the Word says, God has our needs
in mind. Lets focus on Him, and I firmly believe He will provide
the whatever else we might need. Perhaps even what we think we
need.
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| UNFULFILLED
The word is potential. It comes from the Latin word potens - to
be able, from which the word potentia (power) also comes.
Potential. Poh-ten-tchal. P-O-T-E-N-T-I-A-L. It's something we
all have, and can never get rid of. My last entry talked about
getting rid of the idea of retirement, of working until the angel of
death comes calling. This one is about the same thing, except, we
all have no choice in this matter. Achieving potential is one
thing we can always be doing, but never done. Potential - what
might be but is not right now.
Theres a lot of untapped potential out there. So long as I am
able to grow and learn, I will have untapped potential. The
potential to read better, to write better. The potential to be a
better friend, a better engineer. The potential to be a better
servant of God.
Parents, teachers, and pastors are inevitably the ones who talk the
most about potential. How many times have each of us heard "you
have the potential to"...? The ironic thing is it is usually when
we are NOT appearing to have the potential, say to obey the rules, that
they tell us this. One might say parents, teachers, and pastors
are our inexplicit mentors, pushing us to be great, especially in our
worst moments. You and I have potential.
How do we develop potential? By maturely planning out the steps
by which we develop all good and healthy attributes. Making and
achieving goals. One day at a time, one week at a time, one goal
at a time. Life is like a huge game of chess - every move is
aimed at taking the king, but to take the king, a series of small goals
are achieved. And in this case, the king can never really be
taken.
In 1776, so many men achieved through blood the potential of their
lives, the birth of a new nation. In 1864, many more men bled
again to preserve and continue that same potential. Around 350
BC, Alexander the Great pursued his potential and changed the world
forever. And what of so many more, who lived, changed
the world by being great, even without considering the godly ways of
living? How much more then should we pursue the godly things of
life, and with the power of God will not the world be changed?
Economists have long said that Brasil has enormous, untapped economic
and social potential. And, they add, it always will. As for
me, I refuse to continue to have the same potential. I refuse to
live a static life, where I have the same potential yesterday as I do
today. I am going to grow. I have unfulfilled potential,
and I always will, but it will be different tomorrow.
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| RETIRING RETIREMENT
It's kind of scary sometimes to think how the next thirty years are
going to be. I haven't written much in the past....while...
mostly due to how busy I've been. I wake up in the morning, rush
out of the house, drive for a half hour (or more depending on traffic),
and get in to work (immediately followed by at least one cup of
coffee). The day hopefully flies by, and then, before I know it,
its 9 at night, and I'm still not home. Very sad when you think
about it. The scary thing is that this is unlikely to change all
that much over the next thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years as I wait for
that day when I get to retire forever on my heavenly 401M+.
Why is the rest of my life have to be so scary? The thought of
all that work, day after day, is somewhat daunting. I don't know
that I will ever use a 401k for retirement. Somehow, I'm not sure
its right. Consider, as Christians, we are here for one purpose -
to serve God. Why then do we reach a point (around 65) when we
say "whew, I've done enough"? What really gets me about this is
that so very often the top of our game comes so close to that
time. That is when we have a full control of our craft. I
don't know that I want to give that up, when there really is so much to
be done. And the reward?!! Like I said, 401M+. Sounds like
a pretty sweet deal to me, trading a 401k for a 401M+, and in point of
fact, you don't really even need to do anything for the 401M+....its
already been done. I think I'll retire the idea of
retirement. And I'm going to write in my Xanga as I do it, even
if some people think Xanga "is so 2004."
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